Laughter, The Best Medicine

Inachi wrote:“I’ve got a nice, easy job for the laziest man among you,” the platoon sergeant barked at the recruits lined up before him. “Will the laziest man raise his hand?” All hands went up, except recruit Raymond.

“Why didn’t you raise your hand?” the sergeant asked the remaining recruit.

The soldier replied, “Too much of a trouble to raise my hand”


Disclaimer: All names in this thread are fictitious, 如有雷同，纯属巧合

rofl

some of the jokes are funny =)

A hungry man went to a snack bar and ordered a hamburger. When 20 minutes had gone by and his food hadn’t arrived, the irate customer asked the waiter. “Will my hamburger be long?”

Puzzled, the waiter replied, “No sir, it will be round. Our hamburgers are all round ones.”

“Do you think you could sunbathe topless in your garden for a change?” a woman asked the young woman next door.

“Why?” asked the neighbour, somewhat puzzled.

“Because it’s time my husband mowed the lawn again.”

A couple were not speaking to one another after a disagreement. Noticing a button missing from his pajamas the next morning before going to work, the husband left a note on it saying, "Please sew a button on this."

That night he found his pajamas under the pillow with a button sewn on the note.

At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. "Shall I engrave her name on it?" the jeweler asked.

The young man thought for a moment, and then said "No, engrave it "To my one and only love." If we ever break up, I can use it again."

It had been many years since John had his last eye examination, and his wife was pestering him to make an appointment. The more she nagged, the more he procrastinated. Finally, she made an appointment for him.

The day before the appointment, he was in an affectionate mood. After hugging and kissing her, he told her she really looked good to him, and that he was proud to have a beautiful wife.

"That does it." she said. "Your eyesight is perfect, I am canceling your appointment."

Three mental patients escaped from the mental hospital and were sitting on a park bench. The one in the middle was reading a newspaper; the other two were pretending to fish. They baited imaginary hooks, cast lines and reeled in their catch.

A passing policeman stopped to watch and asked the man in the middle if he knew the other two.

"Oh yes," he said. "They're my friends."

"In that case," warned the officer, "you'd better get them out of here!"

"Yes, sir," the man replied, and he began rowing furiously.

In desperation, the mother of a four-year-old girl said, “If you keep sucking your thumb, you’ll eventually blow up like a balloon!”

The next day the mother and her daughter attended a small social gathering. Among those present was a woman who was obviously pregnant. The little girl spotted her and couldn’t contain herself. She walked up to the expectant mother and said, “Your tummy is like a balloon, I know what you’ve been doing!"

A teenager lost a contact lens in the driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found. Undaunted, the mother went outside and in a few minutes returned with the lens in her hand.

“I really looked hard for it, mum” said the youth. “How did you manage to find it?”

She replied. “You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $200.”

At the farewell party, a Corporal was helping himself to food from the buffet when the Commander stood next to him, smiled and asked:

"You're going to the university after your NS?"

"Yes Sir, I am." he replied.

After a moment's pause the Commander asked, "So what are you planning to take?"

"Chicken wings and sausages," the Corporal replied instantly.

A drunkard was trying to fit his door key into a street lamp. A policeman approached and remarked “I don’t think there’s anyone at home.”

“There must be, officer,” slurred the drunkard. “The light is on upstairs.”

“I have good news and bad news for you,” the defense attorney told his client. “First, the bad news. The blood test result is back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found on the crime scene.”

“Oh, no!” cried the client. “What’s the good news?”

“Your cholesterol is down to borderline high, you’re no longer on the high risk.”

A young couple were shipwrecked and drifted on a raft for more than a month. Almost dead from hunger and thirst, the man looked up and saw a yacht on the horizon. “A sail! A sail!” he croaked.

“A sale? Oh dear,” wailed the woman, “and here I am without my credit card!

A driving instructor was giving lessons to an extremely nervous student who panicked whenever another car approached on a particular two-lane road. One day, however, they got to the same stretch of road, and she remained completely calm.

“This time you’re doing fine!” exclaimed the instructor.

“Yes,” the novice driver replied. “Now when I see another car coming, I shut my eyes.”

The zoo built a special 3 meters high enclosure for its newly acquired kangaroo, but the next morning the animal was found hopping around outside. The height of the fence was increased to 4 meters, but the kangaroo got out again. Exasperated, the zoo director had the height increased to 8 meters, but the kangaroo still escaped. A giraffe asked the kangaroo, “How high do you think they’ll build the fence?”

“I don’t know,” said the kangaroo. “Maybe 15 meters high if they keep leaving the gate unlocked.”

A woman has just given birth to her 15th child. The worried obstetrician tells the husband “Don’t you think you should look into some form of birth control?”

“Doctor,” the man replies with a scowl, “it’s the Lord who sends us our children.”

“True. But the Lord also sends us rain, yet we wear raincoats.”

Ah Beng visiting the graveyard with his girlfriend saw a tombstone that read: “Here lies John Kelly, a lawyer and an honest man.”

“Hey!” he exclaimed. “They’ve got three people buried in one grave.”

"Some months ago, I joined a slimming programme" a guy in his twenties told his friend. "I now weigh $2000 less."

........ this reminds me of someone here, can you guess who?

A young secretary wanted to do everything right in her new job, and carefully took down a phone message for her boss: "Hair dryer to arrive at 9 am tomorrow on SQ 278 at Terminal 3, Changi Airport." When she passed the message to the boss, she was puzzled to see that he was trying to hold back a laugh.

Two days later, her boss came into the office with a distinguished gentleman. "Liz, I would like you to meet Mr Herr Dryer."

In the prayer group, each member writes her prayer requests on index cards, to be read out by another member. One day, when Mary was to read the requests, she forgot her reading glasses. Reading the first card aloud, she said “Lord, please bring my lover back into the right position.” Amid the puzzled looks, the pastor’s wife snatched the card from Mary and read, “Lord, please bring my lower back into the right position.”

Back at the hotel, weary but happy to have stirred so many shared moments on the night of their 50th wedding anniversary, the elderly couple was preparing for bed. The wife was already under the covers and waiting for her husband, but he was lingering in the bathroom.

“Dear, what are you doing?” she called.

“Just a moment, my sweet. I’m brushing my teeth.”

“Oh, all right,” she said. “Could you please brush mine too?”

Two monks were unable to refrain from smoking during prayers, but they found this plagued their conscience. So in order to resolve their dilemma, they each wrote a letter to the Pope.

Three weeks later they discovered that the Pope had forbidden one of the monks to smoke, but had given the other one permission to do so. They compared their letters. One of the monks had written:

“May I smoke when I’m praying?”. The answer was no.

The other had asked: “May I pray when I’m smoking?” The answer was yes.

A manager was asked by his laziest employee for a testimonial for another job. The manager thought hard all night for something that would be honest without hurting the young man’s pride and chances.

He finally wrote: “You will be lucky if you can get him to work for you.”

An old man walked into a lingerie store and bought a skimpy negligee, hoping that it would put some spark back into his marriage.

When he gave it to his wife, she said, “Oh, honey, it’s lovely,” but to herself she thought, What’s this? We haven’t have sex in years.

That night, the man asked his wife to slip into the negligee. She went into the bathroom and found that it was the wrong size. His eyesight is so poor, she thought to herself, I’ll come out naked, get into bed, and he’ll put his arm around me and fall asleep as usual.

Soon she walked out, and her husband stared at her intently. “Considering the price I paid,” he sighed, “you’d think they would have ironed it.”